“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
-P.J. O’Rourke
Parenting is hard. I’ve said it in the past. I’m saying it now. And I’m pretty confident I’ll say it many times in the future. Parenting. Is. Hard. Everyone talks about baby showers, beautiful birth stories and funny toddler tales, but no one is discussing, flatly, the difficulty associated with raising children. Why can’t we stop using our children as a measurement of how much better we are than other mothers? Why don’t we all just admit we don’t know what the hell we’re doing and meet at Chili’s for $5 margaritas to discuss strategies and support each other???
Do I ground him for this? How many fruit snacks is too many? Should she be friends with that girl? Why won’t he stop lying? At what age should they date? How many wipes should I use before I give him a bath? How much fast food is too much fast food? Why am I more uncomfortable watching love scenes than violence with them? Is cookie dough really bad for them?
At the present moment I am feeling a little anxious about choices we are making for our children and choices they are making for themselves. This isn’t a positive or negative admission. It’s just me standing in my truth.
I’m scared.
As a parent, I want get everything right. What does “right” even mean? Like, it’s so fluid… the idea of doing something right. What works and what doesn’t is ever changing. I guess I don’t want them living in my basement. I don’t want them on drugs. I don’t want to pay their rent. I don’t want them imprisoned. I don’t want them dead. I want them to graduate from college. I want them to have fabulous careers. I want them to make tons of money. I want them to be happy doing it all.
Years ago I can remember being straight up overwhelmed with the responsibility of motherhood. My number one priority was not fucking up my children. Seriously, Stephanie? Seriously. The only way I could see my family being successful is if everyone did what I said. The only way to do that effectively is to control control control. I was obsessed with making sure everything was a certain way. Clothes were ironed. Hair was combed. Dinner was ready. Children were in activities. Children were polite and smart.
Awesome. I’m doing it right.
I was raising my children in a way that would make me look good. I turned parenting into a mirror of myself. Talk about projecting. I wanted my kids well behaved, kind, and intelligent because anything else would make me look bad. I mean isn’t that what the world impresses upon parents? Whatever your child does or doesn’t do; is on you. On some level this is true. We are charged with instilling values into these beings we bring into the world. Still, these tiny humans turn into larger humans and they all have their own ideas about the life they want.
While I can’t let my toddler eat his preferred breakfast of Pringles and fruit snacks, I can let my tween wear clothes of her choosing even when they don’t match. I can let her dress herself even when it means she’s going to wear the same shirt weekly while she has a dresser and closet full of beautiful clothing I want to see her in. I want my teenager to be more academically engaged, but I can NOT make him do anything. Trust me; we have tried everything. Ultimately, the choice is his. I refuse to live an indefinitely contentiously life until he decides to stand in his light. I’m gonna love him in the shadow.
The pressure to raise successful children is suffocating. People are concerned with GPA’s, activities, social groups, test scores and sports. As if happiness, contentment and joy aren’t qualifiers of success. This isn’t shocking; right? Even our forever FLOTUS, Michelle Obama admitted to checking off “appropriate” boxes to determine and achieve success. None of her boxes included fulfilling purpose or self awareness. So, she spent a lot of time being “successful” and miserable.
What if we made joy a primary indicator of success?
At some point letter grades became less important to me. Admittedly, we have a diverse learner in our home. Even as a former teacher, I learned so much from this experience. I wanted everyone to get straight A’s until she didn’t. Then, I blamed myself. Then, I had to reframe how I viewed academic success. Partially, because I didn’t know if she would ever earn A’s. Mostly, because I didn’t want her value to be tied to her academic ability.
Turns out she’s an amazing student, who learns differently. Now that we better understand how she learns, she earns A’s. Still, I never went back to my old ideologies about academic performance. I just want everyone to do their best— whatever that is. I still get anxious at times… like now. Because I know the world is more interested in checked boxes than happy souls. I don’t know if I’m doing it right. I don’t know if they’ll grow up talking to their therapist about what Mommy did or didn’t do for them… to them. I honestly don’t believe you can get parenting right.
You can only do your best.
At this point, I can no longer focus on messing up my children. That energy doesn’t serve us. I cannot worry about what the world thinks of me or my children. That’s not my business anyway. I am focused on the affirmative. My children will lead a life that reflects love. I am tuned into developing comprehensively whole children who are more concerned with finding and fulfilling their purpose than checking boxes for the acceptance of other folks.
I really want the moms who read this to know that you’re not alone. Motherhood is beautiful, fulfilling and also very, very difficult. You’re doing a wonderful job. And as long as you’re focused on loving your child wholly everything else will be as it should. If you get scared like me… don’t worry… the stakes are high. Being afraid is a natural response. Be afraid and stand in the truth of your ultimate goal for your children and go forth in courage.
I love you and I’m so proud of how you’ve grown as a mother and a woman. Keep going.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie