“You cannot heal a lie.”
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
Sometimes, I sit back and reflect on how dope my life is. My husband loves me, my children are healthy and my support system rocks. Other times, I’m like…
Fuck this shit. All of it.
This is a safe space. I created it so I can say what I want and to give you permission to do the same.
We— women, wives, girlfriends, sisters, daughters, caregivers, lovers, mothers… we need to start or continue to express our minds and hearts even when it’s unpretty.
And isn’t there pressure for it all to be glorious, joyous and seemingly perfect?
Part of it can be attributed to social media; right? It’s the place people go to project ideals and it’s the place people go to view ideals. Which is ironic in a way because people are also quick to say social media is so fake. Apparently, people aren’t satisfied that your life is authentic unless you’re miserable as often as you are happy… Which is sad. Buuuuuut… If folks would stop comparing their life to other folks lives they wouldn’t care what’s posted. True story. For me, I want to see everybody win. To be clear, I don’t want you to fabricate joy. I want to see authenticity even if it’s negative because…
You cannot heal a lie.
Still, I understand why people exclusively post the positive aspects of their lives. Let me provide perspective.
Think of social media as a scrap book or family photo album. Picture your mother or grandmothers photo album on the coffee table. I don’t know about you, but I have seen those photos a hundred times and I never tire of them. They make me feel good. In every picture, the subjects can be found living, laughing and loving. In every picture I feel positive energy.
I haven’t seen a photo of a divorce decree, a police report from a domestic dispute, a custody order or a child’s failing report card in there. I’m sure the people in the photos experienced some of those things. YET… I have never had any expectation to find that information or evidence of that information in the photo album. I look at that book to see the very best of the people in it; not the worst. So, why do we look at social media any different?
Stop crucifying folks for only showing you the best of their life. That behavior only exposes the worst in you.
*sigh*
I said all that to say, my life feels unpretty right now. In fact, it is downright messy. We’re eating out more than I’d like. I stopped going to yoga. The house is a mess. I am Black and a woman in America. I’m fighting systemic oppression. My children are testing boundaries… all of them… from 3 to 17. My 17 year is about to be 18. I’m trying not to be sad about that, but I’m already missing mothering him. I truly understand as a 41 year old daughter that parenting never really ends and yet I feel a bit melancholy about the ways in which it will evolve for us. Enjoy all the moments with your children. It feels like they will be little forever, but they won’t. Darius Rucker was right when he said, “It won’t be like this for long.”
I didn’t even realize I was even in my feelings until I found myself texting in my SQUAD group, a barrage of texts where I was going IN. I was complaining about my kids, other people’s kids, my husband, my dog… (whispers) we don’t have a dog. I was complaining about every damn thing. My poor friends were probably freaked out. I am passionate and intense, but not negative. I’m grateful to them for being there for me because I really just needed to get it out. I’m grateful for a safe space to say, “Fuck this shit… all of it.”
I encourage you to create, cultivate and maintain spaces where you can be your absolute most authentic self. That space doesn’t need to be on social media. Don’t worry about what other people think about you. Focus on how you think and feel about you. How do you experience yourself?
It is ok to say or feel negatively about your life and the people you love most in it. It’s ok to not be ok. No one is perfect. No thing is perfect. My children are challenging and also outstanding human beings. Sometimes, my husband gets on my nerves. I get on his nerves too. We love each other. We are committed to our marriage. All of those statements stand alone and together… just like he and I.
My life is unpretty and absolutely beautiful.
Being authentic and transparent about my life exposes me, yes. It also simultaneously frees me from shame. So, I’m just gonna keep sharing my truth while I process my experiences. I hope you feel free to do the same.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie