"Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. ”
-Lucille Ball
I messed up. I got it wrong… again. And now I’m paying the price. I’m as human as anybody else. That’s evident because after all my experience and visions for greatness; I still didn’t get it right. I said I wasn’t gonna sign these kids up for a bunch of shit. I even told you not to do it. Right? Wanna know what I did? I signed my kids up for a bunch of shit. Turns out I give great advice, but I don’t always follow it. The consequence for my poor decision making— I am overwhelmed. I am tired. Today, in particular, I am also grumpy.
I am fighting with all my might to dodge the grumpy old man in me, but he’s a feisty son of a gun. Truly, I want to be the light today, but my otherwise sunny disposition is being challenged tremendously. I tried to use one of my strategies to avoid negative engagement. I cooked dinner for these people. I retired to my room. I didn’t even eat.
Guess what my wonderful, loving husband did? He devoured his food at lightening speed and followed me upstairs. I am intently working. I would like to finish writing. Perhaps then I could enjoy a bath and maybe an adult beverage. He entered the room, walked over to the television and turned it on. Then, he started talking to me.
Why doesn’t God love me right now? Why am I being forsaken?
My best self must have been working really well when we were downstairs because he didn’t even realize I was not here for conversation or human interaction. But now… Honey listen, my ability to pass a gracious, pleasant, be your best self personality test ain’t lookin good at this moment. I asked him, “What are you doing here? Why are you upstairs?”. I meant that with my whole heart.
As I type this I realize how ridiculous I sounded. It’s his room too. Also, I need to convert the office back to the office. Then I would have a place to go and write and BE uninterrupted. The office is pretty much a storage locker at this point. Sidenote: Anybody else have a room that needs to be cleaned and returned to its’ original glory? I don’t know how I accumulate so much stuff. I wish I was one of those people who could just throw stuff in the trash. Instead, I am a keeper… Loyal to everything.
I might be able to actually get my life together if I had a space of my own. Which leads me back to my life. That made me chuckle.
Dah well…. I want my children to have great, fun, childhood experiences. I also want them to excel academically. So, I signed them up for activities that would accommodate my desire for their lives. They are participating in music camps, academic tutoring, book clubs, STEM camps etc. I don’t regret signing them up for these activities. I regret my execution. School ended on a Monday. Our first activity began on that Monday.
I was not intentional and purposeful in my scheduling. Hell, I needed a break three weeks before school let out. Not only did I not give myself a break; I added extra stuff on top of the stuff I was already tired of doing. Sigh…. I also committed to multiple activities on the same days. I thought this was clever. “We’ll knock out everything in two days and then I’m done.”, I said. “It’ll be fun.”, I said. This was not really a good idea. I also began scheduling things on our “off” days when they wouldn’t fit. This week, we have multiple activities every single day. I’m literally shaking my head.
Another regret…. I did not consider myself at all. I acknowledged that I was overwhelmed weeks ago, before I planned our summer schedule. And yet, I still managed not to specifically ask myself what I needed. I have to do better. I knew I needed a break, but I didn’t work purposefully to give myself one. I have the power, the resources and the mindfulness to meet my needs, but I didn’t. Insert sad face.
I know I’m not alone in this behavior. My good friend did the same exact thing. Maybe you did too. We talked ALL this crap about how when school was out we were gonna chill and these kids weren’t gonna be signed up for a whole bunch of stuff. Look at us now… both weary. Both of us over our summer before its’ even started. What now? Nothing. I mean it. Ok. Ok. I’ll be honest, I really want them to take swim lessons. I’m not gonna lie and say I won’t sign them up for that. *eye roll*. I will honor the commitments I have already made, but I will not make new ones.
I need to take care of myself. So here’s my plan of action: I’m going to the spa in the next two weeks for a full work up. I’m going to get back to my thirty minutes daily walks. I’m planning a girls night before the end of the month and I’m insisting on a date night with my fine husband. We need some time too. Taking care of my marriage is also taking care of me.
Mommas, wives, women at large…. We are being shortchanged at our own hands. That’s a sad state of affairs. We know what we need. It’s time to put all these great plans of self care into action. Take care of you. That’s what this is all about. It’s knowing that you need to choose you and then engaging in the act. Let’s do this.
I'm not here because I'm an expert. I'm here because I have experiences. -Stephanie