“My free time isn’t free.”
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
The holiday season has passed and now I’m trying to figure out how to get back into the swing of things. The kids are as busy as they have ever been. School, tutoring, Girl Scouts, chorus, orchestra and driving me nuts are a few of their regular activities. I thought I was a full-time stay at home mom, but apparently I've been promoted or demoted (I don't know which), to Uber driver. Scratch that, I haven’t been promoted or demoted. It’s a whole other job.
I didn’t want another job, but when you’re a mom and wife new jobs just sort of pop up. There are no job applications, no interview process. It’s just like, “Hey lady! We have some new shit for you to do on top of all the old shit you already do!” And then… I just do it. *shrug
Yes. I am a stay at home mom. I am aware that too many well meaning and assholly (<— new word) people think staying at home is the ultimate glow up and well; in some ways it is. I am able to see my children off to school in the morning and I am home when they arrive after school. If they happen to become ill or need my immediate advocacy at school; I am available. Fifteen minutes is the maximum time it takes me to reach any child. They find comfort in that and so do I. Also, I don’t have to bathe or do my hair daily to function in my role. Finally, I don’t have to smile or practice diplomacy with people I don’t like. Whaaaat? What can I say? I’m a work in progress.
So, if optional bathing and being at the beck and call of your children and husband is your definition of a glow up then I welcome you to the SAHM sisterhood. Unfortunately, folks really have no idea what we do. Let me be clear, it is a luxury to stay at home. Buuuuuut how many of you know there’s a price to be paid for luxury?
When I hear people gleefully say, “Lucky! I wish I could stay at home!” It’s like nails on a chalkboard. I instantly know that these folks think I sit on the couch watching Law & Order reruns all day.
I have worked in corporate America. I have worked in inner city classrooms of Chicago. Being a SAHM is still without question the hardest work I have ever done. This is in part because being a parent is more difficult than anyone lets on. My understanding of parenthood was incomplete… at times I think it still is. Being a stay at home mom is a 24/7 endeavor. From the time I wake up until I close my eyes, I am meeting the needs of someone who is not me.
Please don’t consider this a declaration of my unhappiness or complaint. On the contrary, being a stay at home mom is a gift. But it requires compartmentalization and understanding. There have been many days in this social political climate that I was grateful I didn’t have to go to work. Hell, sometimes I don’t even go to the grocery store because I don’t want to see the world. So, I know I would dread going to the office.
This isn’t complaining. This is me, sharing pertinent information. Also… listen carefully, I am not ignoring or minimizing the plight of working mothers. Most of them do what I do while working outside the home full time. For me, what I noticed and miss most was the drive to and from work. You know? Those small periods of time when I was alone to make uninterrupted phone calls or listen to music that is inappropriate for children who can talk. #JudgeYourOwnSelf
I love being a SAHM. I would not trade this time and these memories for anything. Still, folks who have not done this job need to understand that it is no cake walk. I cannot stay on the phone all day. I cannot meet for lunch every time you ask. On the weekends, I am usually recovering from my week and recharging for the next one annnnnd trying to connect with my hard working husband.
I have four children. Their ages range from 17 to 3. The older they get, the more they need from me. As a responsible, dedicated mom who made a decision to be their mom I will meet their needs. Moms, in general, need to be cut more slack by other moms and people who are not moms. Stay at home moms, who are often undervalued because people think we lack options, need respect and understanding. We don’t owe you. We owe ourselves. As it is, I am always in a constant state of trying to choose myself without sacrificing my family. I don’t need people in my life who don’t understand and respect me in my life.
My free time isn’t free.
Be kind to your friends with children; especially multiples. I used to worry that my friends think I’m a flake because I don’t always immediately return phone calls and I can’t accept most invites. It’s not an issue of making time for people to do things that are important to me. It’s the unavailability of time. I’m lucky that my friends get it. They respect my work and they support me as needed. I treasure variations of these three minute phones calls, “You good? I’m good.” Then the other person says, “You good? Yep. I’m good.” Then we say, “I love you. Bye.” Or Bitmoji text messages that say, “Have a great day!” Those messages get me through and they remind me that I am more than somebody’s momma.
If you have people in your life guilt tripping you about how you spend your time as it relates to your family— You probably need to reevaluate those relationships. I’m certainly not who I used to be. No kids Stephanie was a very different individual. Things change. People change. Let go of the past and evolve.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie