I think of discipline as the continual everyday process of helping a child learn self-discipline.
-Fred Rogers
I like you I really do, but your kid... I don’t think I can stomach your kid. Wait. That’s probably not the way you should say it. "Stomach your kid" infers that they are sickening. Let’s try again… I think you’re awesome, but your child is a whining, spoiled, selfish, mean, pain in the— WOAH! Woah! Slow down tiger. You can’t say it like that either. Well, you could, but it might not go over well. They won’t hear the part about how much you like them. They’ll only hear the part about their child being a little shit. And it’s true. Still, there’s that thing about doing the right thing the wrong way.
So what do you do when you like the adult, but not their offspring? Nope. Don’t look at me crazy for saying someone’s kid is unpalatable. Over here we tell the truth about EVERYBODY. If your kid’s a jerk I’m probably gonna tell you. And that’s part of the problem; right? The idea that kids are like Ms. Jenkins from In Living Color. Untouchable. “Don’t nobody better say nothing bad about Ms. Jenkins!”, or lil Tommy. And even when the parents recognize a negative trait or behavior; they don’t want anyone else to. Sometimes we spend too much time with our children and we feel too convicted as parents to acknowledge them as the cute little parasites they happen to be.
Fast hard truth. Our kids don’t need to be friends in order for us to be friends. Step further: I really don’t even need to see your child for us to be friends. Like we can share stories about our children… We can talk about their grades… How much we love them…. How they get on our nerves… We can even go shopping for them together. And we can leave it right there. Just because we have children in the same age group does not mean we need to get them together for play dates. And not for nothing kids have enough friends anyway. They have gymnastics friends, Taekwondo friends, school friends, neighborhood friends. Friends! Friends! Friends! Do you know how hard it is to make friends as a grownup??? It’s like dating. Lord knows I don’t want to get on that carousel ever again. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to make friends as an adult, but it truly is. Should I call her first or should I wait? Is a heart emoji corny or no? Should I pick up the check this time? Should we hang out at my house or hers? What did she mean when she said…? Ugh.
I was friends with a woman who I liked very much. Turns out her kid is Eddie Haskell from Leave It To Beaver. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. So I told her…. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. My children don’t know how to not be taken advantage of and your child doesn’t know how not to take advantage of them. Until they learn something different; they can’t be friends. You would have thought I threw acid on this woman. I prefaced this conversation with: I really like you and I hope we can be friends regardless of the relationship between our daughters. It. Did. Not. Work. She agreed that her daughter needed some behavior adjustments, but she couldn’t get past the fact that we wouldn’t get to be one big happy framily. Soooo, we ain’t friends. Her loss. Mine too because I kinda miss her. Dah, well.
A few takeaways— Parents, we have to do better by our children for our children. You know your child exhibits some behaviors that need modification. If your lil sweet pea is irritating to you—how do you think people who didn’t get the pleasure of creating them feel? Love and discipline are not enemies. They work together to grow tiny little humans who slowly and very quickly become adults. Momma… Daddy… You’re responsible for that. Don’t miss an opportunity to have meaningful relationships because you refuse to do what you are called to do. That said, just because you enjoy the company of your little tyrant doesn’t mean I do. Love y’all.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experience. -Stephanie