"Peace is always beautiful."
-Walt Whitman
I’m baaaaack. I already admitted I was corny. Deal. Ok? Ok. So we already covered 1-3. Here are four, five and six.
Stop Talking To Other People
Shut it. Close it. Just hush. A dear friend of mine had a “disagreement” with her boyfriend. Honestly, disagreement is a very generous word for the interaction between them. They had a whole meltdown argument. Like, they were sleepy and hungry and just needed to throw the whole day away and start over. That kind of argument. Anyway, she was sharing with me what happened and I was listening. Did I tell you guys I’m a great listener? I’m an outstanding listener. So, she was going on and on. I was tired, but she wasn’t. She was getting more agitated and invigorated the longer she talked. I wasn’t even saying anything. I wasn’t gassing her up or encouraging her anger, sadness and disappointment, but it was growing exponentially. She had to be stopped before she exploded. I literally said, “Stop. You have to stop. You have to stop talking about this. And when you and I hang up the phone don’t call anyone else. Go home and talk to him.” Period. The end. Replaying, repeating, reliving the situation doesn’t bring you peace; it incites and intensifies the negative emotions that are already present. To take it further, people mostly mean well, but they misunderstand love. They may believe that loving you means agreeing with you and joining your fight. That doesn’t bring peace. Their allegiance is to you which may leave very little room for objectivity. And also, let’s not act like things won’t get a little awkward when the lions den returns to it’s former glory as a love nest. Your instinct may be to discuss it with other people so you can have someone on your side. That thinking and behavior is counterproductive. After all, only you and the person with whom, you share the disagreement have the power to repair it.
Stop creating dialogue in your head between you and the person
The price for this is way to high. You need to cut it. No, for real knock it off. This behavior is so destructive. Don't act like you haven’t done it. You have an argument with someone. You’re laying in bed replaying the conversation in your head. Then, you start preparing the mental gymnastics for your next encounter with this individual and you expect to score a perfect ten. We all know that cans of verbal whoop ass don’t just appear; you have to create them… ahead of time; right? So you're laying there or you’re taking a shower— A lot of my imaginary conversations used to take place in the shower. “I’m gonna say this and then they’re going to say that. Ha! But then Imma hit them with this and knock ‘em back!” Let me stop creating the scenario for you and ask you one question: How many times, when you have these imaginary conversations with yourself, does the other person apologize to you? Don’t worry, I’ll wait. Think about every time you’ve ever created this kind of dialogue between you and the other person. How many times do you create a dialogue that includes the other person acquiescing? How many times do you develop a situation where they have the opportunity to say, “I’m so sorry I hurt you. Forgive me.” Forget it. You don’t have to answer. I’ll do it for you. You, me, we NEVER create situations that end in a positive fashion. What? Why, Stephanie? Why would I develop a whole scenario in which the person doesn’t apologize? Because when we create these imaginary situations in our heads we aren't trying to heal the situation we’re trying to win it. And you need to recognize that as truth, honor it and stop it immediately.
Do What Elsa Said
I’m certain I could write an entire thesis on Frozen. Elsa gave folks the best advice in the world; Let. It. Go. Throw the whole relationship away. Truth is people pick up right where they left off and that’s exactly where the problem lies. Some relationships, familial, romantic and platonic need to die complete with a DNR. Like that needs to be a thing. Sign it and give it to a trusted confidant. When you start getting glossy eyed they can pull it from the vault for your review. Do Not Resuscitate!!! I don’t care how many glimpses of hope you see— Bid that particular individual ado-do. Bye! Do I sound harsh? A pinch. Ok. Why am I here? To help you discover your truth. Let that thing go and allow your heart to be healed.
Listen, friends, breakdowns in relationship hurt. The worst, though, is when we feel that we don’t deserve what is happening to us. I’ve been in situations where I wished I had done what they thought I did so at least I would have earned their scorn. I am here to tell you that no matter what the circumstance; you deserve peace. You might just find that peace if you stop focusing on what someone else has determined you deserve. We are a flawed people. It would be great if we showed each other a little more grace and empathy. At the end, it’s up to you to determine what you deserve. I think you deserve peace, love and joy. How you live your life and what you accept from others will show them what you deserve. So, what are you getting that you don’t deserve? How are you working through the pain and disappointment? How are you choosing you? As always… Love y’all. See you soon!
-Stephanie
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.