"Sometimes when you're treated unfairly it makes you stronger and more determined."
~Michael Jackson
Suck It Up, Buttercup: Six Things To Do When You’re Getting What You Don’t Deserve… Part One
If you've ever said to yourself or anyone else… Why is this happening to me? I really don’t deserve this… I’m talking to you. For most of us in the world we’re working really hard to be a good person. We don’t want to hurt people. We try to think of ways to make the people we like and love feel important or special. Unfortunately, sometimes there are miscommunications or flat out breakdowns in communication. Peoples feelings get hurt or demolished. When this happens people tend to act out. Acting out can include, but is not limited to: Saying hurtful things to you or about you, ignoring you, telling your secrets and/or forgetting all the things that developed the beautiful relationship you once shared. So? What to do? What do you do when you’re being misrepresented? How do you handle the absence of a daily fixture in your life? What do you do when you don’t know how to repair what you never thought you would have to fix? Keep reading. Let’s see if I can’t give you something to chew on. I’m breaking it up in two parts so I don’t give you indigestion with all this truth.
Stop Saying You Don’t Care
Self preservation is the first law of nature. So, I can understand why you might say you don’t care when the relationship with you and another person falls apart. Saying you don’t care is you trying to take care of you. I respect the place you're coming from, but it’s a lie. Healing cannot be present in the same space as a lie. So stop that. Acknowledge the hurt, feel the pain. If the relationship ever meant anything to you it will command you to honor the loss. You saying you don’t care is only prolonging the inevitable. And if we’re being honest (Which we always are in this forum) I don’t even THINK about things I don’t care about. Right now I’m trying to think about things I don’t care about. I can’t. Someone else would probably have to tell me something that I don’t care about. I literally don’t have space to think about things that don’t matter to me. So, for you to even take the time to proclaim I DON’T CARE; means the exact opposite. You do care, my friend. That is why you are angry. That is why you are sad. That is why you are thinking about the situation. You care.
Stop Analyzing Previous Conversations
Get your finger off the rewind button. Seriously. Like unless you have an actual recording of the demise of the relationship; why are you choosing to relive it over and over again? And even if you had a recording; you don’t have context the other person would provide. Here’s the thing; you are a rare bird if you can remain objective in a situation where your feelings were hurt. Typically, when we review a situation we look for all the ways and degrees to which we were wronged. She ate all the pickles and she knows I love pickles. I remember five years ago she ate all the pickles and I got mad then! So I know she remembers that she shouldn’t eat all the pickles. To tell the truth, the only reason she likes pickles is because I let her taste mine.” Okay. Am I being slightly ridiculous and oversimplifying? Why of course I am! But trust me when I tell you that you don’t sound much better. Stop replaying the negativity in your head. The outcome will be the same— more negativity. A friend recently called me to vent about a hurtful event. Boy was she angry! Well, wait. Not at the beginning of the conversation. At the beginning of the conversation she was normal. Somewhere between, “The last time this happened… and… I am not the one!”, she grew horns a tail and transformed into She-Devil. She was bringing up old stuff as a support for why the friend did the newly offensive stuff. How can you know why a person did a thing? HOW? If you intend to analyze a conversation or an event between you and another individual, please include them. Otherwise, you’re just making up shit… I mean stuff… and you need to stop.
Stop and Consider The Unthinkable
Ummmm…. Love bug? Maybe you do deserve what you're getting. Is it possible that you’re not as awesome as you think? I am not saying this is true. I am only asking you to consider that you got it wrong this time. No one is perfect. Sometimes you need a sandwich, a bag of chips and a nap. Sometimes you need a thirty minute run, a hug and acknowledgement. For me, when I act out, I usually needed rest and acknowledgement. When I don’t get those things I, at times, lose my perspective, my ability to can and subsequently act a fool. Me, act a fool? I know you’re shocked, but it happens to the best of us. My reflective nature becomes compromised right along with my otherwise sunny disposition. I am not asking you to accept blame or lower your expectations of treatment. I’m just saying think about the circumstances surrounding the relationship break down. Think about how, if at all, you contributed to it. When you give the situation a good, honest look… You might discover that their response is appropriate and that while it hurts; you definitely deserve it.
Wait. Wait. Wait. I don’t want any hit dogs hollering. I recently heard someone say, “Don’t get mad. Say ‘Ouch!’ and do better.” That was a word from the Lord. Number 3 is about reflection. In fact, each of the six points should have you thinking about your place and participation in any relational conflict. How many times have you dishonored the relationship and your own feelings by saying you don’t care? Did denying your feelings make you feel better? When you analyze previous conversations between you and another person— do you ever gain more clarity about their intentions or do you end up more frustrated instead? Hey y’all, I just want to make you think… to give you every opportunity to choose you. See you soon!
Stephanie
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.